Dear Diary

A handyman came across my diary while putting a bathroom in the basement of my mom’s house. It was in the ceiling, where I had put it so that my secrets would be safe—and where it was safe, assuming Ed didn’t peek before handing it over to my mom. My mom then mailed me the single most hilarious gift I’ve ever received and like a good mommy, she heeded the note that read: “If you find this diary please don’t read it. Thanks Erin”. The note was dated November 10, 1992.


The diary, written circa 1989-90, wasn’t exactly the most titillating reading material, as you can imagine. I also wasn’t exactly adept at writing in those early days. It’s amazing that I turned into anything of a writer at all; reading it, I want to strongly recommend math to my 8-year-old self. But, as I found out, math wasn’t my strong suit either.

I’ll let the excerpts do the talking; you don’t need me telling you how funny this is.

Sept. 10: I just made some brownies. I will eat the brownies I made. See ya.


Sept. 11: My boyfriend is Paul*. I don’t know if he likes me.

Sept. 12: I’ve hid you in a special place. I hid you, well when the air comes on it were the cold air comes out. It’s hiden there. [I hid Diary in the floor vent, prior to the ceiling brilliance]

Sept. 14: I’ve had a boyfriend for a couple of weeks. His name is Paul……Well I really like him. I think he likes me but I’m not sure.

Sept. 19: I almost gave Paul my friend ship bracelet but I didn’t. I wish I would have. Tommorow I will if he asks…..OH! A boy named Jearmy came today. He’s sort of cute I think he is but I still like Paul.

Sept. 29: After lunch we had reading time. Well I was sitting down. Paul pulled a stool up right beside me.

Oct. 2: Paul is cute as ever. We started cursive. It is fun. Really Paul is cuter than ever.

Oct. 3: I had a great day. We went out to the field and dumped out greasy water. I said that there was someone out there but there wasn’t I guess. [What the hell was I smoking this day!?]

Oct. 5: I’ve had my shower. I shampooed my hair and The 3rd grade classes are going on a field trip in Wamego.

Oct. 9: There was a new girl in my class that is cocky. She asked Paul to go with her. And Adam. Paul said no.

Oct. 11: I got my mouth rinsed washed out with soap. I don’t like that. It tastes awful!

Oct. 19: My teeth are crooked. I want BRACES.

Nov. 7: Gretchen and Clarissa are what you call NERDS. I don’t like them as much as I use to. Got to take my bath!

Nov. 27: I must tell you. I’m getting glasses. Probably. I’m getting my eyes checked 4. I want glasses and braces. Don’t tell a soul.

Dec. 19: I’ve got my glasses and boy do I like them. Paul is doing great. He likes my glasses. Here’s some of my hair. [I must have been planning to cut my hair and thought better of it.]

Jan. 30: Paul said skoot my desk against his ‘cause he liked me. Amazing!


Feb. 27 [the most angst-filled entry]: Nobody likes me nobody cares. My best friend invited my other best friend to spend the night not me. Even my own cat Smitty won’t even sleep with me.

Feb. 28: Today when I went to school I started feeling different. I guess Jessica cares about me. Nikki just brags because she’s on the 7s in multiplication.** (I’m on 5s) My other boyfriend is Lee.***


March 8: I’m still in love with Lee. He’s very cute and nice. In multiplication I’m on 7s.

March 30: [I kid you not, there are lipstick kisses. Someone has a “sly smile.” Too embarrassed to share whole entry.]

April 6: I have a major crush on a major guy!

June 25: I haven’t bee to whoopy talking to you, lately

Other notables: I apologize to Diary a lot for neglect. If you couldn’t tell, I also report a lot on my hygiene habits: “I took my shower before that.” “I already got my bath.” “I got my bath and I got to brush my teeth and go to bed.” “I got out of my bath. I’ve got to dry my hair.” I also read a lot (shocker) and report on all of my books.

In the span of one year, according to this diary, I had three boyfriends. To set the record straight, I had zero boyfriends. There was actually no one that even mildly resembled a boyfriend until I was 16. So 8-year-old Erin was about 8 years too early. Looking back, I do think Paul liked me. What a flirt. I have to go take my bath now.

* Last name omitted to protect those who didn’t know they were my boyfriend
**Nikki remained better than me in math, all the way through high school, and I'm sure, even now.
***It must have been Nikki and Jessica who had the rendezvous without me; I'm sure I felt better after insulting Nikki and her multiplication tables. Take that!