Ghetto Fabulous

Thank goodness Alan and I invested in our new-to-us Honda Accord earlier this year. We knew we'd need a reliable vehicle, especially with a baby on the way, and we knew that the Saturn wasn't the young pup she once was. But the Saturn has been great for running errands and getting groceries during the day. Until the day Alan broke down.

He was basically shifting gears when the gear stick shifted no more. Went limp as a noodle. He was lucky to be in second gear when it happened because he managed to get it home, and we managed to get it to the shop. Where we were told it would be about $500 to fix.

Now $500 here and there to keep a car running is no biggie. Except when you're doing it so frequently that you might as well be making car payments for a car that's not all limpy-gimpy. And except when Alan's done a little online research and is convinced that it's much simpler than the mechanic has made it to be, meaning the mechanic wants to give us a gold tooth when we just need a cavity filled. So we told the mechanic to forget about it, and he told us that he could rig it to where we'd be able to get it home.

Using plastic cable ties, he was able to rig it so that we could get home. Which we did, with no problems. I could even go to the grocery store!

So I did.

And the plastic tie came loose. Leaving me at a stoplight in the middle lane of the busiest three-lane highway on crack by our house with a non-shifting gear stick.

Do you know how quickly your body reacts to stress? It's immediate. Because my hands were immediately shaking, and I was immediately wondering what the %@&#!@ I was going to do. And, by the way, how many New Jersey jerks would honk at a pregnant lady with a trunk full of groceries?

Luckily I didn't have to find out because as I sat at the stoplight, I slooowly tried to inch forward. It appeared that even though I couldn't shift, I, by a miracle of all miracles, was also in second gear. After waiting what seemed like an eternity for the light to change, the car slowly groaned forward, and I quickly booked it to the next available exit and took the remaining 3-minute drive home on side streets.

Remember how I called having a second car a luxury? Luxury this:


Will I still drive it once Alan gets the necessary part and replaces the console? You betcha. Will we get a second car seat base and take our first-born child for rides in the Saturn? I think it's safe to say our baby will be a Honda-only baby.

TGIT

Thank God it's Thursday. Or, more accurately: Thank God It's Not Yesterday Anymore. Yesterday was such a comedy of errors that I really felt like the world was messing with me.

A little background. Over the weekend, Alan and I decided to tackle the kitchen wallpaper. We had a three-day weekend and no major plans, so why not? As most of our home improvement projects go, there is always a little more to it than meets the eye. The wallpaper, miraculously, came up easily. But after pulling our first major piece of wallpaper off, we came across an ominous note: Beware of the Plurb.

Oh no. What was the Plurb?

Was it this?

Nope, that's not the Plurb. As soon as I sprayed a littler farther over, I discovered the Plurb, a lovely vegetable-type person with caveman feet and eyes, dating back to March 20, 1965:


The Plurb turned out to be the least of our problems. Once the wallpaper was gone, it was a terrifying scene. The walls are made of some parts plaster, some parts cracks, and some parts we have no idea as the material is unlike any other I've ever seen. However, we didn't let the Plurb or any of that scare us, we plugged along, and Alan spent a day sanding to get the walls somewhat ready to repair and prime.

The sanding? Got plaster dust into almost every single kitchen cabinet, even though we put up plastic. So I've spent the last three days cleaning every single dish in the house. And every utensil. And every appliance.

So all of this leads up to yesterday, day three of cleaning the kitchen to get it into a usable state again. Add in record-breaking heat and humidity and pregnancy hormones, and you might have some sort of idea of my mental state yesterday.

So yesterday. I had to pay an E-Z Pass toll by check because our pass didn't get picked up recently. To do that, I needed our account number. I tried to log in online to get it, but I got locked out after the PIN number didn't work three times. So I call. She confirms that the PIN I am using is correct, but she can't give me the account number. So I have to go outside and get my E-Z Pass from the car to log in. No big deal really, but cue first mini-meltdown. Had I known what the rest of the day had in store, I would have punched myself and said to save it for later.

Later, I'm downstairs finishing up cleaning the kitchen. A nearly fully bottle of kitchen cleaner is on top of the refrigerator. Open fridge, bottle falls to the ground and breaks the nozzle. Must now wait until I have an empty bottle or sprayer nozzle to be able to use cleaner.

Head downstairs to do some laundry. I'd put a brand-new bottle of laundry detergent at the bottom of the laundry hamper so I'd remember to take it downstairs. Of course I forgot it was there, so I dump it out on the laundry room floor. When I pick up the container, liquid soap is going everywhere. So I discover the crack and lay the bottle on the dryer so that I can transfer it to the old bottle once it's empty.

Appointment with Comcast is supposed to take place between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m. This appointment window comes and goes with a Comcast no-show. Annoying. I call. Comcast says someone will be calling me immediately. No one does.

I head out to the car to toss in the blanket and three pillows Alan and I need to take to our childbirth class. Discover cream cheese in the trunk from yesterday's trip to the grocery store. Steaming hot.

Alan calls as he's leaving work. "Oh shit. The car is broken."

We hang up. Mini-meltdown no more, sobs instead. My hair tie snaps in half just to punctuate the event.

Alan drives the whole way home in second gear.

I shower quickly because I'm a sweaty mess. Get out, get dressed. Comcast guys show up. "I can't do the appointment today," I say. "May we ask why?" "BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AT 3 AND IT'S NOW 6 AND I HAVE PLACES TO BE." Jerks.

Childbirth class. Uneventful, except that we switched locations and had to walk a mile to find the classroom and then got lost in the parking garage on the way back to our car.

Get home. Go downstairs to put laundry in the dryer. Notice a whole lot of laundry soap on the dryer. Turns out the detergent also had a hole in the lid, so turning the bottle on its side just caused it to leak out of the other hole. I wipe up soap, Alan comes down and helps after he realizes it shouldn't take 10 minutes for me to transfer laundry.

I go to bed so the day will end.