A Bonus Lesson from CPR Class

New Jersey is far from the stereotype of Snookis running amok and gold chains and track suits everywhere. But every now and then you see someone who fits the bill or experience what I call an "only in Jersey" moment. Like the road rage incident where a guy got out of his car to gesture madly to us to back up. Or a fight almost breaking out in an infant CPR class. Where would you see that kind of business? Only in Jersey.

So I signed up for a child CPR class. I meant to do it a long time ago, but I figured with another kiddo on the way and one who loves to eat, it would be a good idea if I had some basic knowledge of choking and CPR and such. The class started innocently enough. We made it through adult CPR and learning how to use a defibrillator before shit got tense.

We were in the infant portion of the class, with a table full of baby mannequins laid out before us. My half of the class was taking its turn practicing dislodging an obstruction by smacking our babies upside down and doing chest compressions. The teacher had gotten flustered explaining something to us, confusing his rights and lefts and which hand was to do what. And that's where the tension started.


Here we all are, smacking upside down babies and doing chest compressions, when the teacher told one man, a nerdish dad type, not to use the heel of his hand to do the compressions. The man insisted he wasn't. The teacher, in what I wouldn't really call "constructive criticism" again insists he not use the heel of his hand. The student, getting understandably defensive, says that he's NOT using the heel of his hand, the heel of his hand isn't even touching the fake baby, he swears. The teacher's all "Yeah, whatever." He may not have rolled his eyes, but that was his tone.

So the student gets a little pissy. And he snaps off at the teacher, saying that "Maybe if you'd show us what to do, we'd have an easier time understanding."

I think he was just sick of being picked on.

So the teacher huffs "FINE" and makes a "give me the baby" type of gesture. Which is when the student tosses the baby at the teacher.

Now, it wasn't a throw that was aiming at the teacher's head, but it wasn't the most friendly "here you go" toss either. The teacher caught it. And then we learned that you never, ever toss a baby mannequin.

"EXCUSE ME? DID YOU JUST THROW A BABY AT ME? YOU NEVER THROW A BABY. NOT EVEN MANNEQUINS."

Teacher went from angry to irate in the amount of time it took that baby to get to him.

Then there was a back and forth between student and teacher where the student is like "Of course I would never throw a baby. I've been a parent for two years" and the teacher is accusing his mannequin-tossing actions of being indicative of how this man parents his child. There's a "Don't you dare question my parenting ability" along with "Oh, I've got a few years of experience on you" in an "Oh, I will dare question your parenting ability" type of tone from the teacher.

Meanwhile, the entire class is uncomfortably shifting around, half of us with our fake babies in hand, waiting for the hostility to pass. After what seemed like an eternity, the teacher decided to carry on with the demonstration. So what does he do? Slams the baby on the table before proceeding to beat the obstruction out of it.

I wanted to shout "YOU NEVER SLAM A BABY ON A TABLE!" But I feared I would get tossed from class. Or punched.

After the teacher gave the baby back, he then pointed hostilely at the student, an "I've got my eye on you, mister" gesture. I swear, if there hadn't been a table of fake babies separating them, they would have come to blows.

After class, the student was the bigger man and went up to the teacher. I heard him say that he didn't mean to throw the baby and that he thought the teacher was making a gesture that he'd catch the baby. It didn't sound like the teacher was super receptive to the apology ("but you did throw it"), but I left quickly just in case it escalated.

Lessons learned at CPR? How to do chest compressions, dislodge a foreign obstruction, use a defibrillator. And that you never, ever, under no circumstances, throw a baby mannequin. But slamming it on a table is perfectly fine.